Hi There,
Happy Valentine's day 2021!
It's been a while, isn't it? I remember wishing for the new year to come, but don't even realise that days keep passing by while I'm waiting for the pandemic to end. Here we are now, 2nd month of 2021 and still unsure how this global crisis will wrap up.
Since life has been such a rollercoaster for all of us, and me particularly, today I decided to be a little honest and kind to myself.
Valentine's day has never been a special day to me. It's just another day in a calendar year, and I never really got to celebrate it growing up. It's not a big tradition where I came from, we don't really share chocolates and flowers (except if you are in a relationship). Besides, the whole momentum is usually just end up being used as a reason for stores to hold massive promotions. It's funny that here in Ireland, I noticed that people really take effort to celebrate Valentine's day. I saw people picking up flowers for their wives, lovers, or moms, bakeries put extra packaging for your cakes, and greeting cards available everywhere.
These sceneries made me wonder - what does it mean to celebrate Valentine's day?
As a single millennial who spent almost all her teenage years and early-20s trying to grasp chances at love, I have to admit that I suck at it. While most people my age may have couple of relationships and even steady ones by now, I'm still stuck at 14-years-old mentality when it comes to love. It's not that I didn't try, and I don't want to use my upbringing as an excuse either, but it took me a while to realise that I'm too scared to even start anything.
When I was a teenager, I thought that I would surely experience silly love like those in Shoujo Manga or Coming-of-Age movies. I remember liking the same guy since middle school, secretly putting chocolates in his backpack every Valentine's day when the boys had P.E lesson, and hoping that someday he would notice me as more than a friend. Of course, that didn't happen when you never actually express your feelings in front of the guy, and I spent months patching my broken heart when I knew he liked another girl.
After I grew older and tried to be more forward, I was told to be delusional and clingy by a shitty ex. "It's all in her head", "We are not even a thing", I remember him talking to his group of friends. Although I was furious, those words still cut deep and made me questioned myself.
Am I not good enough? Am I that unattractive? Am I undeserving of love from people that I'm willing to give my all to?
From that moment on, love was a vicious cycle of me having one-sided feelings, someone approaches me then decided to go distant when we got closer, and I spend many nights building back my own sanity. It got to the point where I unconsciously stop expecting, stop trying or sharing things about myself because I knew they would always end, and decided that love is just not for me. I only noticed this when my closest friend told me I bottled too many emotions, creating this invisible barrier, and was too much of a workaholic.
I realised I wasn't as fine as I thought I was. In fact, I was numb. I wasn't feeling anything.
I didn't want to continue my living like a zombie and being numb, and so it's been a couple years since I started to open up again. I begin to give myself daily affirmation every time I face the mirror, saying yes to new things, new hobbies, and meeting people (before the pandemic of course). I started this blog as a platform to be more honest, stop saving moments for "when I met the one" and do them myself (e.g: traveling and eating alone at fancy restaurants), and finally accept the fact that I am enough.
The other day I was watching this K-drama "Run On" and the quotes from the drama are just spot on. There's a scene where the main character said to her boyfriend who didn't love himself enough, that ourselves are the one who will stay with us until we die, and so loving yourself is important to maintain a healthy relationship with other people.
That quote instantly imprinted on my mind and officially became my life motto.
Surely, there are times when loneliness crept in and we wish we have somebody who cherish us, give us attention and make us feel loved, but we still wouldn't be happy if we never accept ourselves to begin with. Even with a perfect partner by our side, insecurities and jealousy will continue to haunt us if we don't have enough faith in ourselves. This doesn't mean we should be self-obsessed nor should we always put our partners' interest first, but knowing the importance of our own existence and taking care of our overall being are the first steps to every great love story.
For all of us who are spending this Valentine's day alone, lit up some candles, treat yourself flowers and jewellery, have a bubble bath, and don't hesitate to order a one portion size of a fancy meal from your favourite restaurant. What matters the most is to remind yourself that you are loved, and you are enough.
With that being said, I wish you a wonderful Valentine's day this year. I'm sending all my love through this writing, and for my future partner, I hope we both love ourselves enough when we finally meet each other.
Yours,
Stella