Let this sink into the depth of our minds: There will never be a way to please everyone.
Growing up in an Asian Patrilineal culture, above statement is something that I am still battling to accept everyday. As an Indonesian-Chinese descent, not only have I been confused of my own national identity all my life, but I also grew up learning that I am not anywhere near the expected beauty standards of my kind.
The Stigma
You see, there has been always this perception that Chinese-Indonesian are fair-skinned, slim, almond-eyed, and commonly comes from higher social class status. Furthermore, as females, we are expected to maintain the pure maiden image and to always put our male counterparts in control, for we will be given to their family once we marry their sons. While this has changed drastically over the years and depends on regions and social environments, girls are often still judged a heap more than guys, supporting the toxic masculinity mindset.
I lost counts of how many times I heard about boys' appearance being justified while girls' doesn't. From comments about "dark-skinned boys indicated how active they are, while dark-skinned girls associated with not taking care of themselves" to "chubby boys are huggable, while chubby girls means they are just lazy fat-ass". For me who have an above average body-weight and bigger bust, I grew up being the centre of body-shaming attacks masked as a 'caring advise' from friends and families.
Even now, when I post a full-body pictures on Social Media, some relatives and friends would comment about my weight gains. When I lost weight and came home for holiday, the first thing my family would do is scanning me head-to-toe to re-confirm my measurements. Other times, when I post pictures wearing my favourite clothing, I would get comments from my family lecturing me that I flaunt too much skin, something that a girl my size should not do. When asked for reasons, all comments are justified as 'small pep talk' and 'advises' to be a more proper woman on the risk of being single forever.
My Mental State
All these shaming definitely took a toll on me during my teenage years. Boys my age would make fun of my size due to the toxic teachings from their family, calling me names and bickering behind my ears. Most clothing brands back home did not fit me well too, and I was often forced to buy clothes from a big size grandma brands while other friends enjoy latest trends of fashion. I was sad, depressed, and shut myself from the world.
I slowly grew to despise my own body as well as other people who doesn't fit to the beauty standards that I knew and learned.
It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I discovered Youtube which allowed me to open my eyes to different types of people, different skin colours and body types. The proof that there are so many varieties of people relieved me, and I even managed to make some friends online which helped me cope with the rest of high school years.
After graduation and moving abroad, I strived to free myself from the negative thoughts I was bounded into. The journey didn't stop there, as I still encountered people that would body-shame me in different ways, on top of body-shaming from people back home. Despite all that, after taking the first step of opening myself to learn about diversity, I managed to come to a self-realisation:
If you want to be seen more than just a body shape, be somebody worthy to be remembered.
This led me to focus in improving myself from within, loving what I am born with, and strive to be the best version of myself.
The Hacks
On my journey to body positivity, these mental hacks have helped me tremendously to stay afloat:
1. Don't Avoid Looking in The Mirror
It's easy to avoid yourself in front of the mirror when you hate what you see. I get that. It angers us to see the rolls, stretch-marks, impurities, flat or jiggly parts of our bodies, as we wish those would just evaporate into thin air. However, looking at ourselves in the mirror is an important step to acceptance. Look deeper into the mirror, what kind of person do you see yourself inside and out? Do you feel healthy? Are those rolls even more important when compared to your happiness?
If you're not feeling healthy, it's time for some changes in daily habits! But, if you are healthy. accept what you see and be thankful that you get to live another day. I remembered Demi Lovato mentioned this in one of Ashley Graham's Pretty Big Deal podcast episode, to try exercising self-motivation quotes such as "You are healthy and I accept you" whenever you see your own reflection. Plants grow better when they are nourished with loving encouragement, and so are we! See for yourself how this will affect you positively.
2. Diversify Your Role Models and Inspirations
Now, I'm not saying that you should get rid of all your idols and role models. Instead, try to broaden your perspective. Subscribe to different channels and social media accounts represented by different skins and body types. Fill your feed with varieties, and you'll see how this will help normalise your thoughts. Social media easily become toxic if you surround yourself with idealistic feed, so make sure to stay human.
People often advise, "Why don't you shut social media altogether? It's toxic anyway." The question is, can you really live without social media? For some of us, it's still a place where we can reconnect with friends and family. So if you know that you will still come back to social media sooner or later, better take initiatives to fill your feed with positivity.
3. Don't give any chance to toxic comments
This is one of the more difficult hacks when you are constantly surrounded by toxic friends and families. Few of the tricks that I often put on my sleeves is to mute my WhatsApp notifications from toxic contacts and be selective to whom I am sharing my Instastory content. It was scary at the beginning, I felt guilty leaving them in the dark. However, over the times, it helped me to recognise my true friends and build a better, calmer, mental state.
4. Think Forward - What kind of person do you want to be?
This last hack is the one that will help you focusing towards the future. Start by imagining your deathbed moment (I know it's dark), who you want to be remembered as? The x body type person?
We humans are created with each of our own uniqueness, and there are just so much more skin deep than how we look from the outside. Find your calling, the one thing you want to leave as marks on the world, and focus on that instead of people's comments. It will always be a continuous journey to love yourself, but with few shifts of mindset, you will be more empowered and guided to where you want to be.
Now is your turn. What kind of journeys have you taken towards self-love?
xoxo,
Stella